That’s right, through a number of completely legal journalistic practices, our expert team of investigative reporters have gotten their hands on Shohei Otani’s agent’s journal!
Like most of us do when we’re making a life-changing decision, Otani’s agent has developed a list of pros and cons for each of Otani’s top options. Otani’s agent, ever-faithful, copied that list into his journal. And it is that list that we have for you today.
What follows is a lightly-edited, absolutely-100%-accurate-and-in-no-way-made-up-by-a-baseball-blogger list of the pros and cons of Otani’s top choices.
- You want to go somewhere with lower expectations, where you can get into the swing of things? Go to Chicago! You’ve still got another 106 years to win a title with the Cubs before fans really start to get angry.
- You’ll get the chance to learn and play under a grizzled veteran, one with years of experience at a number of ballclubs, someone you can learn everything about the game of baseball from—wait, David Ross isn’t with the Cubs anymore?
- Now, I’m not saying they would use you out of the bullpen, but if they did…bullpen dancing.
- You’d be expected to grow a very large beard to replace departing free agent Jake Arrieta. This apparently is a deal-breaker for Theo Epstein.
- So, I know you said you wanted to play on the West Coast, and Chicago is on the west coast…of Lake Michigan. Which is kinda sorta the same thing, right?
Los Angeles Dodgers
- You get the chance to meet real, live famous people. You know, like Vin Scully. (I love that guy!)
- Have you seen Clayton Kershaw pitch??? Come on man. This is a no-brainer.
- You’ll probably get stuck in traffic on the way to the ballpark, and you’ll miss the first inning. But don’t worry – none of the fans will have arrived yet anyway.
- It might feel weird being the only player on the team to get paid less than $20 million.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
- Mike Trout.
- Angels Center Fielder Michael Nelson Trout.
- Did I mention MICHAEL LEVIATHAN GOD-SMASHER-OF-BASEBALLS-AND-AMAZING-HUMAN-BEING-TROUT?
- With the makeup of this pitching staff, Mike Scioscia will probably want you to pitch at least five days a week. Maybe six, if there’s a doubleheader involved.
- You’d have a starring role in Angels in the Outfield 2 (editor’s note: This should definitely be considered a benefit of going to Los Angeles. Otani’s agent is dead wrong on this one.)
San Diego Padres
- Are you kidding me? It’s San Diego! It’s 72 and sunny almost every day of the year! You can go to the beach, watch the sun set, learn how to surf – literally everyone in the country wants to be in San Diego.
- It would be one of the best trolling jobs in sports history.
- They might actually expect you to play baseball for the Padres.
San Francisco Giants
- With you and Madison Bumgarner on the same team, there’s no way Rob Manfred keeps pitchers out of the Home Run Derby.
- You get to throw to a dude named Buster. I mean seriously, how cool is that???
- You could learn the “Johnny Cueto Shimmy.”
- Given your likely salary, you’ll only be able to afford rent at the janitor’s closet in AT&T Park. But hey, easy commute, am I right?
- Have you seen their outfield? Bruce Bochy would probably have you play all three outfield positions at once if he could.
- Maybe the Mariners would actually make the playoffs again!
- Anytime you’re hungry you could go grab a tasty fried grasshopper snack from the ballpark vendors.
- At least 30% of your home starts will be rained out.
- Jerry Dipoto will trade you in May for a back-up catcher, a lefty specialist, and cash considerations.
- Everything’s bigger in Texas. I’m not sure what that means, but everyone says it, so I’m assuming it’s good.
- You’d have 162 chances, plus Spring Training, to rub Adrian Beltre’s head.
- It would take some seriously rapid global warming for Dallas-Fort Worth to be considered on the “West Coast” of anywhere.